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a movement of remembrance and recovery

Progress, not Perfection…

4/12/2016

14 Comments

 
Picture
"Progress, not perfection.”  If I go to—and I admit I rarely do these days—a 12 Step Meeting, I always wait for this line.  It is recited out loud, and I suspect I am not the only person who wants its healing words to wash over them.  The phrase offers its benediction, and I feel each time as if I had never heard “We seek progress not perfection.”
 
As I reflect on this phrase today, I wonder if I can live with myself as I am, without the negative comparisons to an idolized idea of whom I “really” want to be?  Can I forgive myself for not being the “Stepford Stacy” built up in my mind?  I don’t want to be a perfect bleached blond spaced out on valium in suburbia, as the term “Stepford” might suggest.  Instead, I use this metaphor as shorthand for the unachievable version of a romanticized self to which I constantly compare the real deal.  I worry that I can be more highly organized, more of a creative intellectual, a more hyper-efficient housekeeper, a better dresser, a more caring pet steward, a loving partner who gives emotionally without making demands (fuck that one, actually), and, especially, a much better friend.
 
The catalyst for this post is my desire to be a more consistent blogger.  I want to help readers embrace their vulnerabilities…and to raise money for a scholarship in Maryclaire’s honor at Sparhawk School.  My raging negative self-talk is rendering me vulnerable and anxious: I am failing in my goal, I note with dismay, of writing consistently and so, I continue, I am failing to honor my longtime friend so recently deceased. 
 
Alcoholism and eating disorders do not go away, and recovery is not a linear process.  And so, once again, I need to remind myself that I seek progress, not perfection. 
 
Sackcloth and ashes hang in my closet, a well-worn outfit that fits no matter how my eating disorder might affect my weight.  I could be in the midst of a long period of food deprivation--or coming off months of binge eating--but these clothes still seem to cover a seemingly chronic desire for penitence.  I want to put that outfit on today so as to manifest my remorse over not having blogged for six weeks.  My return from Santa Barbara was difficult, and the reentry into Lafayette life was bumpy at best.
 
Progress, not perfection, I remind myself, noting that I kept all my therapy appointments, even when I didn’t feel like it.  Progress not perfection, I repeat, and allow myself to feel a sense of accomplishment over the completion of a paper that I presented last week in Casablanca.  Progress not perfection, I say again, and allow images of the walk that I took with Mark and our dog Wulfie at the Celery Bog to flit through my mind.  Progress, not perfection, I allow, and come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, I needed to take a break from emotional purging for the last six weeks. 
 
And so, I cut myself some slack today and move on a wiser person.  But, I must admit that I am glad to be back posting on the blog!  That, my friend, is progress...

14 Comments
Bonnie Lyons
4/12/2016 01:50:19 pm

Stacy,

I identify with your new posting all too well. One of the great female psychologists had an idea I find resonant: we each have an idealized self and a despised self. The stronger the idealized self, the more formidable the despised self. IF/WHEN we can lessen these two, we can encounter the buried real self. Meanwhile the actual self contains all the others.

Another idea: people like us beat ourselves up as a way of saying we are not just that weak, stupid terrible self we are criticizing.

Keep going--just keep going. Talk to yourself as you would a friend. I say things to myself about myself which I would never say to anybody else.I would never be that cruel...

Bonnie

Reply
Stacy Holden
4/12/2016 02:01:04 pm

Thank you Bonnie! Your emotional intellect and compassion are to be treasured! And I know that I will find myself repeating "Keep going--just keep going" often as I move forward...

Reply
Amy Clark
4/12/2016 02:29:20 pm

Oy. I am struggling with my food and my body right now. Have started going back to meetings. Ten weeks! Wow! I'm glad you are doing this, and will check in with you for inspiration--I need it! Call any time.
XO

Reply
Stacy Holden
4/12/2016 03:09:31 pm

Thanks, Amy, for sharing part of your journey. Recovery is a constant struggle, and community is so important. You offer a reminder not to withdraw, which I sometimes do. Bises....

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Lisa
4/12/2016 08:43:11 pm

Glad you are back love the "progress, not perfection" mantra cut your self some slack you are working forward love you!

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Stacy Holden
4/12/2016 10:17:42 pm

Lisa, Thank you so much for sending love my way!

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Cindy
4/13/2016 05:09:46 am

Reading your blogs Stacey makes me realize that I am not alone. We all have our struggles whatever they may be and it is the journey we take in reaching our goals that makes it all the sweeter. Keep on blogging! I look forward to each and every one! Love you tons!❤️

Reply
Stacy Holden
4/13/2016 06:18:29 am

Thank you, Cindy, for your support. We all need to realize we are in "this" together. And thank you so much for your encouragement. I love you tons: See you in Portsmouth!

Reply
Hannah link
4/13/2016 09:58:55 am

This is beautiful, Stacy! It is inspiring to me to see you keeping a balance of productivity and grace. Who DOESN'T need to have that reminder? : )

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Stacy Holden
4/13/2016 12:03:06 pm

Hannah, your good counsel has been so important as I move forward. I can't thank you enough for your insight and positive perspective.

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Cathleen Surette
4/13/2016 10:16:31 am


"Dec 14, 2015 1:28am
My heart is broken, but I will honor you each day. I will breathe as you taught me, keep my shoulders down and back, I will relax, I will stay connected to the earth, I will seek my edges and keep growing, I will hear your words to guide me on through the rest of my days. Namaste, my friend, Maryclaire Ward Paullis. Peace. Peace." I still read my words many times to remember all she taught me. One of the most important things she always said was, "Progress is one moment at a time.Whatever that moment is, it's progress." Be good to yourself, Stacy. You matter. Namaste. Cathy Surette

Reply
Stacy Holden
4/13/2016 12:01:06 pm

I can't thank you enough Cathy for sharing your grief when it was so raw and also for calling up for me the words of Maryclaire. I have read your comment multiple times and feel a cathartic releasing of emotions when I do so.

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Chris
4/13/2016 01:18:58 pm

I can relate to this! For me these kinds of thoughts center around parenting--never good enough, it seems.

Reply
Stacy Holden
4/13/2016 02:07:09 pm

Thanks, Chris. It is nice to know I'm not alone!

Reply



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    Stacy E. Holden 

    Remembering and recovering through running and blogging.

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